Horror Movie Mini-Reviews: Final Destination 2 (2003) and Final Destination 3 (2006)

* Final Destination 2 (2003)

Exactly one year after the disastrous explosion of Flight 180, a group of people survive a car crash only to die by mysterious, coincidental accidents one by one. Kimberly saw the vision that saved all of them and blocked the freeway onramp until the accident happened. She and Deputy Marshall Thomas try to figure out a way to thwart death before it's their turn.

Final Destination 2 isn't the best movie, but it does have the most horrific care crash scene I've ever seen. It has everything: explosions, people being smashed, logs bouncing along the highway, water bottles blocking brakes, and, most horrific, people seeing what's coming and being unable to stop it. The clues right before it are also on point: a drink responsibly beer truck with a drunk driver, football players screaming "pile up," highway to hell on the radio, and a kid smacking toy cars together. The crash is best and most memorable part of the entire film.The kills beyond that are pretty decent, even thought the lottery winner's is pretty ridiculous. The businesswoman's was one of my favorites because it was so sudden and led to another unexpected and graphic death.

The lore gets pretty convoluted here. The pattern is packwards for no reason and the coroner (played by the amazing Tony Todd) says that new life that wasn't meant to be can restore balance to death. This theory turns out to be useless and the pattern of people dying is backwards for no discernable reason. The main characters chasing around the others actually causes more deaths and they save no one. The only cool reveal is that all of them cheated death once already and you can't die out of order, even if you try to. The way information is revealed makes it almost impossible to figure out the end on your own. Final Destination 2 is very flawed and not very good beyond a few scenes.

My rating: 2.5/5 fishmuffins

* Final Destination 3 (2006)

When she sees a vision of a roller coaster crashing, Wendy freaks out and brings some people with her, saving them from the horrific accident. As each person saved starts dying, she realizes the clues are in the pictures and scrambles to save her friends.

Final Destination 3 is the worst movie in the franchise by far from the characters to basic concepts. The characters are barely more than paper and all pretty unlikeable, from the overly lecherous Frankie to the equally fake Ashley and Ashlynn to the weirdly abrasive Wendy. It was incredibly unnerving that no one cared about Frankie's upskirt shots and over the top gross treatment of women. I cared literally nothing for any of them and it didn't really help that a few characters were literally interchangeable either because of name or look. This is the one where I feel nothing except joy at any of the deaths and any character interaction seemed to take forever.. The clues coming in the photographs sounds like it would be cool, but so many of them were way overreaching that they as well not have used them at all.

The one thing the movie gets right are the deaths, except for the initial crash. It used too much CGI and looked pretty fake. However, the other deaths proved to be amazing. The dual tanning bed deaths of Ashley and Ashlynn were utterly cringeworthy: roasted to death and stabbed with countless shards of glass. The car crash death was a beautiful example of misdirection, resulting in a surprise death. The ending pleasantly surprised me and I liked the references to the previous films. The rest of the film, however, made it clear that the disjointed story was connective tissue barely linking the kills together.

My rating: 1.5/5 fishmuffins

Shark Movie Mini-Reviews: Jaws 3-D (1983) and Jaws: The Revenge (1987)

* Jaws 3-D (1983)

While stalking water skiers, a great white shark gets into the gate leading to Sea World Orlando attractions. No one seems to notice except for the dolphins Sandy and Cindy. Dr. Kay Morgan (senior marine biologist) and Michael Brody (architect of attractions) work together and investigate the missing mechanic whose body never surfaced.

I thought I never saw this film, but watching it had me feeling so nostalgic and I remembered almost every scene. I used to watch it so many times as a kid on commercial TV with my siblings. Jaws 3D is one of the cheesiest movies and I love it so much. The character are shallow, the dialogue is awful, and their reactions are over the top. Kay and Michael are the only remotely likeable people in the entire film, but they're also a pretty cute couple. The park manager Calvin is only interested in profits and puts the animals in dangerous situations, ignoring Kay's valuable advice. I'm not exactly sure why Sea World would want their name on this especially when the officals of the company are so toxic. Phillip is another awful character who treats Kay like garbage and wants to kill a shark on life TV.

I am more on the shark's side this movie. 90% of the humans are awful and I don't really care if they die. The death of the baby shark is a truly sad, sobering moment in this campy film. It was put in a tank that was too shallow just to show it off to patrons without assessing its health or identifying its environmental needs. I don't blame the mother shark for wanting reveng. It then destroys parts of the underwater tunnels and crashes into the window to the underwater cafe in one of the best worst shark scenes ever. The shark attacks look incredibly awkward and more like people swim into its mouth on purpose than the shark trying to eat them. The 3D moments look pretty terrible, particularly the last scene of the film. Even though it has flaws galore, I love this movie in all its cheesy glory.

My rating: 3/5 fishmuffins

* Jaws: The Revenge (1987)

The Brody family is back, but forever changed. Martin Brody died of a heart attack and his son Sean (also working as a police chief) was killed by a shark. Ellen grieves for her husband and son, clinging tight to her remaining family in Michael, his wife Carla, and their children. They convince her to go the Bahamas for the holidays, but Ellen can't shake the feeling that the ocean is dangerous and sharks will never leave them alone.

Jaws: The Revenge is the weakest in the series, but manages to have some interesting moments. Sean's death scene in the ocean being relentlessly attacked by a shark while the community performs Christmas carols. It's a chilling moment that illustrates how he is so close to help that is still unattainable. This is the best moment of the whole movie. From then on, it's all Ellen lecturing Michael, a marine biologist, to stay out of the ocean. I do like how the film focuses on Ellen and how going to the island prompts her to let go of the past a little bit. I hate how this film seems to stand alone. Last movie, Michael was an architect dating a marine biologist named Kay. Now, he is the marine biologist and his wife Carla (who looks EXACTLY like Kay) is an artist with almost no personality. I really hated this change.

The shark shows up everywhere and literally stalks the family wherever they go. It took 4 movies, but a shark finally got to eat one member of the Brody family and it's hungry for more. The action sequences are lackluster except when it attacks a helicopter. The mechanical shark is overused and looks fake. The ending so this movie seriously bored me. There are so many ridiculous things wrong about sharks (way more than usual) including having it swim over 1,000 miles in three days and roaring like a lion. I'm glad I watched it, but I don't see myself revisiting this film any time soon.

My rating: 1.5/5 fishmuffins

Horror Movie Mini-Reviews: The Blackcoat's Daughter and The Bad Batch

* The Blackcoat's Daughter

February rolls around at a Catholic all girls boarding school and parents are set to pick up their kids. All except Rose and Kat whose miscommunication with their parents left them stranded at the practically deserted school. Rose is dealing with her own pregnancy scare drama while Kat's behavior becomes increasingly erratic as time goes on.

The Blackcoat's Daughter is a beautiful film with good performances and a decent twist. So many of the scenes and camera angles are striking and the main strength of the film. Oftentimes, the scenes are monochromatic with a splash of color. The performances are spot on. Kiernan Shipka stands out as deteriorating Kat, showing that she can be incredibly eerie. Emma Roberts delivers an unexpectedly subtle performance. Lucy Boynton's performance as Rose is more straight forward and conventional than the others, but it's important to have a character for the audience to relate to. The ending is the best part as something gruesome and shocking actually happens.

The film's flaws are in the slow pacing and the parallel story lines. I don't mind slow pacing, but it took until the very very ending for anything remotely exciting to happen. The atmosphere held up and the plot didn't. It stagnated somewhere in the middle and lost me. Both stories had a similar interesting ending with a long, boring build up. The Blackcoat's Daughter is worth a watch, but it's very light on plot and goes a long way with no payoff to speak of. Much like I Am the Pretty Thing that Lives in the House, it's a beautiful, well acted, atmospheric film with not much substance.

My rating: 2/5 fishmuffins

* The Bad Batch

Arlen is tattooed with a number and dropped in the desert outside Texas that lies outside of the United States and all its laws. She is captured by cannibals, who eat her arm and leg, but she manages to escape with the help of a strange drifter to safe haven Comfort. From there she gets into so much trouble of her own making that it's ridiculous. The beginning sets up the world and has the best parts of action and horror. Criminals of all types are thrown into a lawless wasteland outside the US instead of being jailed. We are never told why and never see what the US looks like in this world, which would have been interesting. The cannibal society that captured Arlen seems to be made up of mostly body builders. The only sympathetic cannibals are Miami Man played by Jason Mamoa and his adorable daughter Honey, who are just trying to make their way in life by eating tons of other people. Miami Man provides the most horrific scene when he kills and butchers a pleading woman, which was probably my favorite. He is the  most sympathetic and dimensional characters in the film with both his ferocious, violent side and his artistic, caring side portrayed.

The rest of the film shows Arlen's moronic antics and unnecessarily drawn out scenes. Arlen still manages to be worse than cannibals by constantly wandering out into the desert with absolutely no supplies. While she does this, she happens to stumble on people all the time even though it looks like a giant wasteland with no landmarks to speak of. It's way too convenient for these people with close ties to be finding each other as often as they do. Then she kills a woman in front of her daughter Honey, takes Honey to Comfort, and then completely forgets about her until Miami Man shows up to find her. I don't think Arlen ever makes good decisions as if she's allergic to them and her attitude brings to mind pouty children. Many scenes are way too long and don't bring anything to the story, for instance the extensive drug trip scene, Keanu's lengthy speech on shit, and lingering shots on pretty much every actor no matter the situation. These scenes and practices made the film seem so much longer than it was and made the pacing terrible. I had high expectations since I enjoyed Ana Lily Amirpour's debut A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night. The Bad Batch a messy, unfocused film with a terrible main character. A lot of the concepts have promise, but the execution left a boring, drawn out plot with a plot hole-filled happy ending.

My rating: 1.5/5 fishmuffins

Horror Movie Mini-reviews: Excess Flesh and Emelie

* Excess Flesh

* spoilers *

Unemployed and depressed Jill is consumed with jealousy towards her cruel roommate Jennifer who is perfectly thin and works as a successful model. Jill eventually simply snaps and chains Jennifer to a wall to punish her. When I heard about this film, the short X is for XXL from the ABC's of Death came to mind. It was an amazing and powerful depiction of an eating disorder through a horror lens. I expected this film to be in the same genre and it was in a different way than I expected. Some moments were incredibly uncomfortable to watch. Any time either girl ate food, some sort of strong emotion accompanied it: lust, rage, jealousy, or self-loathing. A lengthy bit of the film featured Jill eating cups of macaroni and cheese, mostly chewing and spitting it out, sometimes swallowing and hitting herself hard in the face. When the film becomes completely dreamlike, it loses me and becomes to cartoonish. Because of a review I read, I expected absolutely stomach turning scenes involving food and I was let down. The ending was unexpected as the two women are revealed to be one. It's an uncomfortable depiction of the feelings involved in an eating disorder but externalized. I'm glad I watched it, but I wouldn't watch it again.

My rating: 3/5 fishmuffins

* Emelie

The film tells the story of Emelie, a woman who is trying to find a replacement for her dead baby by posing as a babysitter and putting the kids through her bizarre trials. This is another uncomfortable film to watch. Emelie's trials include exposing herself to the oldest one, drawing on the wall, seeing if the children will kill a pet hamster, showing the kids their parents' sex tape, and playing with guns. Despite her psychosis, Emelie proves to be not wholly evil. Her backstory with the accidental death of her baby is quite sad and I understood her grief driving her to find a replacement she could no longer produce herself. Sarah Bolger shines as Emelie and toes the line between friendly and scary very well for most of the film. Another thing the film does well is show how sociopathic children can be. The child she chooses as hers gleefully feeds the beloved hamster to a snake and nonchalantly pulls the trigger of a gun pressed to her head. These scenes rang true and were disturbing as a result. While some of the scenes were uncomfortable and chilling, the ending of the film was disappointing in how ineffectual Emelie proved to be. Emelie is an interesting film with some twists and turns that is sure to disturb and unnerve.

My rating: 3.5/5 fishmuffins

Horror Movie Mini-reviews: Darling and Baskin

* Darling

Darling tells the story of a young woman in presumably the 60's taking care of a large, lush mansion with a dark history. The owner warned her that the last caretaker killed herself, but she soldiers on, slowly going mad. It's a bit like Lords of Salem: very light on plot and heavy on visual style. The entire movie is filmed in black and white without a whole lot of dialog. Darling is our otherwise nameless protagonist, portrayed brilliantly by Lauren Ashley Carter. It's clear that she's a bit disturbed when she arrives at the house with a perfectly bland facade and it cracks spectacularly as the film goes one. Much of the film is driven by odd camera angles, closeups, unsettling flashes of images, and Carter's expressive face. The camera slowly follows her as she walks the streets of the city as her mental faculties deteriorate and she chooses her target. The sense of unease is enhanced by the varying score accompanying the film by Giona Ostinelli. One moment, the music is a beautiful, conventional piano score and the next it practically assaults the ears. This film isn't perfect, but it's an unsettling, beautiful, gory piece of art. The only drawback is that it is excruciatingly slow (which I didn't mind) and some of her faces made me laugh during the crazy moments. I recommend that anyone watch the film at least once whether you find it boring or slow because it's so visually striking and truly does take you on a trip to madness.

My rating: 4/5 fishmuffins

* Baskin

Baskin features a crass, corrupt team of Turkish cops answering a call and descending into hell. The first third of the film establishes their characters in a very uncomfortable to watch scene. To me, it was just as uncomfortable as the nightmarish visions late in the film. These men tell crass, horrible stories to each other involving mostly their sexual exploit until they turn that aggression onto an innocent waiter just to throw their weight around. Practically each one of them is an awful person either actively or passively allowing each other to bully innocent citizens and abuse their power as police. I felt little sympathy as they suffered. The film is an interesting mix of dream and reality. The visuals inside their personal hell were truly horrific and unexpected. I watched never knowing what my eyes would be assaulted with next. The weird dream sequences/flashbacks that interspersed the plot dragged it down and slowed the tempo. Other than that, it's a pretty solid hell flick that shows unique hell plateaux. I don't have any strong feelings about it either way.  If nothing else, it's an unique experience that I haven't seen before.

My rating: ?/5 fishmuffins

Book Mini-reviews: Baby Doll and The Vegetarian

Baby Doll

Lily was kidnapped as a high school student and held for eight years in captivity. During this time, her captor "trained" her through torture, used her, impregnated her, and continued to abuse her. He grew careless one day and left the door to their prison unlocked. She took her daughter and escaped, leading to his arrest. How has life changed since she's been gone? Will her captor be able to escape punishment for what he's done?

Baby Doll is obviously an effort to capitalize on the success of Room. I've only seen the movie, but it's a powerful story (very similar to this one) but focuses on the debilitating and harmful effects of the captivity on the child who was born there. This book decides to take a different route and focuses on the mother in the situation and almost completely ignores the child who has never been outside of a cabin basement. In comparison, Baby Doll is the ham-handedly written Lifetime movie version of Room. I felt for Lily and her family, but the situations are so over the top and crazy. I just couldn't really take it seriously. The writing is quite simple and flows well, but the characters are paper thin. I think it would genuinely do well as a TV movie, but as a book, it's underwhelming.

3/5 fishmuffins

The Vegetarian

Yeong-hye is a normal housewife married to a normal businessman until she has a horrific dream one day. Afterwards, she gives up meat, refuses to cook it, and refuses to have it in her house. Her husband and family are scandalized and grow angry after they can't talk sense into her, but Yeong-hye continues to refuse meat and her behavior becomes more and more erratic over time.

The Vegetarian is a memorable book split into three parts. The first part is the best because it's from the point of view of Yeong-hye's dull husband. He wants his needs met, his house clean, and food cooked and that's about it. When Yeong-hye refuses to have meet even in the house, his whole world is thrown into disarray. His once compliant wife now has opinions and won't do everything he says. He resorts to rape, which he describes nonchalantly, and trying to get her family to change her mind. They also resort to abuse, but Yeong-hye doesn't budge. The second part has Yeong-hye's sister's husband obsessing over and exploiting her and the last part has that same sister trying to convince her to eat anything at an institution. The narrative shows how restrictive and horrible society is for a woman and Yeong-hye's only escape from it is embracing her madness. It also shows how every man in the text simply uses women in one way or another and it's completely socially acceptable. The ending is pretty sad and hopeless, but realistic in the view of the world. I loved the first part, but the other parts weren't as strong. It kind of lost its way at the end.

My rating: 3/5 fishmuffins

Netflix Horror Movie Mini-Reviews

I just got Netflix a couple of weeks ago and I am so addicted to cheesy horror movies on there! I just wanted to post a few of my thoughts on the films I've watched so far. If I feel really passionate about something, I might write a full review, but for now, these will do.

1) The Human Centipede

A mad scientist attaches three people together so they have a continuous digestive tract because he's crazy, weird, and sadistic. The disgusting and illogical premise aside, this movie was just bad: bad acting, bad writing, bad characters. For example, one of the girls escapes from the basement makeshift operating room before the surgery and tries to escape. Sort of. Her version of this was to run into the creepy doctor's room and cower behind the bed. Forget looking for any exits or making a call on the phone in PLAIN SIGHT right in front of the door she just locked. Cowering behind the bed and screaming is the way to go. Anther example is when 2 policemen come to the doctor's house and he tries to drug their water, flips out on them when the water is spilled, and is caught hiding a syringe. His weak excuse for the syringe is that it's insulin for his diabetes and they buy it. Really?? This plus his bizarre behavior isn't reason enough to search his house or take him in for questioning or anything.This is only one instance of the characters' stupid decisions and horrible reasoning that extends to every aspect of the movie.

My rating: 4/10 stars

2) The Descent 2

I absolutely loved The Descent, so I was looking forward to the sequel. The first film is about a group of women that go caving together, get trapped in an undiscovered cave, and encounter creepy cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers. Sarah escapes the cave (which I completely disagree with based on the ending of the UK version of the film) and is forced to return shortly after to see what happened to her friends. Pretty much Aliens, but underground instead of in space. I was really disappointed. The first one was brilliant and had a balance of dealing with real, everyday problems and the crazy supernatural ones while this one focuses on cheap scares and gross out scenes. In the first one, it was debatable if the creatures were even real or just the characters psychologically breaking down. Also, the sequel really doesn't stay true to the characters at all. Plus I found the ending absolutely ridiculous. There wasn't enough information on a certain character for it to make any sort of sense.

My rating: 2/10

3) Roman

This movie is about an awkward, socially inept guy named Roman, who stalks a girl, becomes her boyfriend, and, when she finds out about the stalking, he accidentally kills her. Some time goes by and another beautiful girl shows interest in him. Can this relationship turn out better than the last? Will his dead girlfriend be jealous? The movie starts out really slowly and is obviously very low budget. It takes a while to warm up, but I actually really enjoyed it. It reminded me a little bit of May, which isn't surprising considering Lucky McKee, the director of May, played Roman and Angela Bettis, who played May, was the director. Anyway, much like May, even though he's a murderer, I really felt for Roman and his inability to connect with other people. The ending was kind of obvious, but I was still really sad for him. There's a slow, suspenseful build up to it and I was praying that my prediction wouldn't come true every step of the way. I was surprised that I had such an emotional reaction to it because I was expecting something like the other films on this list: cheesy and kind of bad. Roman is an odd and quirky little film that not everyone is going to like. If you're looking for something outside of the norm in horror, this would be on the top of the list.

My rating: 9/10 fishmuffins

Do any of you have Netflix? Any movies I should check out?